live free die hard movie parody
by Batya
Summary: you knew it was coming poeple. rated T for dirty humor. BE WARNED: this is basically the whole movie so SPOILER ALERT and people...dont read this if you dont have a sense of humor


**Ok so basically I got the idea from a girl on livejournal called mistful….**

**Doing movie/book parodies(that are also reviews of it but mostly parody)**

**please note that I enjoyed this movie very much and I am poking fun at it not bashing it so I don't want to hear flames from people who say I'm insulting the movie or something…have a sense of humor please or don't read this**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the die hard films…or Matt sigh**

So I have been watching the fourth die hard a bit on the computer…(its all for the hacker kid*heart)* but I thought this movie seriously needs to be parodied so here we go.

Movie opens:

Twentieth century fox logo: Yay!!! Oh nope power died we are done now

My mom: I hate when that happens

Me: *nods solemnly* yes it's very sad.

Credits: la la la look at all the names

Villains: we are doing acts of VILLIANY

Audience: don't really care

Villains: …VILLIANY DAMN IT!!!!

Audience: ok then…moving on

Matt: I'm a hacker WHEEEEE

Audience: *perks up at the site of something interesting*

Matt: and I'm a pervy hacker too! Look how I make sexual advances to women on the phone who I've never met!

Audience: Quiet Matt she's gonna kick your ass later anyway

Matt: darn I want some action though

Director: be patient

Matt: fine

Random Hacker: Crap my computers not working

Villains: *grab the popcorn* ooooh this is fun to watch

Random Hackers computer: I somehow am filled with C4 which we assume was something that villains you are involved with told you to do

Audience: uuuuh…C4? Am I missing something here?

Random hacker's computer: oops I got a virus and will now explode *does so*

Random hacker:*dead*

Meanwhile…

Villains: A ha! We hacked into government computers THE VILLIANY

Audience: that's nice

Government people: we have been outsmarted! CRAP!!! Go get every hacker on the planet here now!!!!!

Random Gov. Person: But that's not really possib—

Head Gov. Dude: DO IT!!!!

And now its time to see everyone's favorite or not so favorite bald man

Some audience members are pleased…I'm distracted by how shiny his head is…

John's Daughter (Lucy): *making out with guy*

Guy: I have two minutes in the movie why not spend them making out?

John: I am overprotective father Grrrr.

Director: See? We show you that he is human as well as super action hero.

Me: *laughs at John*

John: separates Lucy and Guy I FORBID THIS!!!

Lucy: I hate you! And I want a guy

Director: just wait *rubs hands together gleefully*

Lucy and John: *bicker*

Guy: I want to make out some more

Lucy: No I hate you now

John: but—

Lucy: I hate you too

John: I am so sad now

Director: Now we have set up how *ahem* normal our hero is and we set up Matt's sexual frustration time for them to meet up

Audience: its about time we came to see a buddy movie

Matt: typing and I'm getting warned by my online buddy that my life is in danger *le gasp*

Me: ahahaha…no wait I like you! NOOOOOOO don't press the button your compy will esplode!!!!!…yes people more C4

Mom: Um…you know he isn't real right?

Me: shhh

Matt: *about to press button*

John: I am bad tempered and bald OPEN THE DOOR

Matt: well I'm full of teenage angst!

John: I see your point may I come in

Matt: no

John: darn…well I'm a cop…and so you have no say in the matter

Matt: well in that case...

John: you have many….toys

Matt: they are action figures Damn it!!!!

Audience: when did the die hard movies get this dirty?

Me: no idea this is the only one I have ever seen

Matt and John: *argue*

Me: *sparkly eyes* isn't Matt cute mommy?

Mom: yes dear

Villains: we shoot all people who help us so Matt needs to be shot*attempts to shoot him*

Me: So they are covering there tracks but if it's clear they don't care about people who help them…Why do people keep helping them????

Director: Look violence! Action! Wheeee!

Me: crap the only person I like could get shot…damn it

John: look it's a bird it's a plane No its SUPERBALDY!!!!I can save the day and have no hair!!!!

Director: Hush we need to remind people that John actually ISNT superhuman he just has superhuman TENDENCIES!!!!

Matt: so you kill people all the time?

John: pretty much

Me: should I be feeling sympathy? Really?

Matt: My house exploded and it sucks

Me: what someone's reacting like a normal person to all of this?

Director: but he is sidekick which negates what he says and feels

John: who cares your being taken to the Feds

Matt: why am I reminded of an old cop show…?

John: because you're a criminal

Me: and he's cute too!

Government people: we are so smart but are outsmarted!!!! *le gasp*

Villains: *muttering* bad boys bad boys what ya gonna— never mind

Main hacker: what villains having guns?

Main villain: think of them as hardware to your software

Me: that can mean so many dirty things…

John: I'm so superhuman I DON'T EVEN SLEEP I just DRIVE all night long…

Me: eew

John: wakey wakey Mattey boy *turns on classic rock*

Matt: but I like new rock…

John: *turns up music*

Matt: Meany

John: Dumb head

Me: *laughs hysterically*

Villains: now that we are a half an hour in lets begin our villainy

Audience: but what about before…

Villains: NOW THE REAL VILLIANY BEGINS!

Audience: ok

Me: *laughs* is this movie a comedy? Oh…oops

Matt and John: Still arguing here

Me: Matt you are so funny *cuddles Matt*

John: I'm turning on the news

Matt: NEWS IS EVIL

Me: Now I know its love, let's get married and make babies

John: shut up I'm superbaldy

Director: and now they have to walk the rest of the way

Matt: but I'm not athletic

John: too bad I will make a man out of you by the end of this film so walk

Villains: *crash the stock market*

Main villain: oh I'm so bad

Main villain girl: and hot

MV: yes that too, now let's does some more stuff…

Main hacker: I edited president's speeches and made this creepy video thing to scare the nation

MV: whatever

Me: uum I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention…where's Matt?

Matt: here I am still reacting like a normal person to all this chaos and we are magically where we needed to be because damn we walk quickly

John: it's because I'm bald and I am a manly man and am therefore stoic while people bring down my country…

Gov. People: we are minor characters and therefore are idiots and have no idea what's going on

Matt: it's a fire sale

John: What?

Matt: it's the name that the director made up for what the hackers are doing to try and make it seem realistic

John: so this could actually happen?

Matt: only in the movies

John: we are in a movie

Matt: Crap

Gov. Person: your right of course because you're the character that says all the exposition, god forbid McClane gets exposition, don't be silly people! But we are government people and we are right… (But of course we aren't)

Me: at least the movies kind of accurate there

John: I'm gonna be intelligent…let's not ignore this guy he might be important (shocked? Me too it only happens once)

Gov. Person: But you're still a criminal! John take him to another place so that way you can have more action sequences

John: look how I run quick as a cat!

Matt: and I'm smarter than you peoples

Me: isn't he just? *cuddles Matt some more*

Mom: *tries to put as much distance between me and her*

Director: time to talk about this fire sale thing again

Matt: I'm the only intelligent one in this movie and alas I'm only a sidekick….oh the woes of my life

Me: its ok I'll hold you

Matt: Um guys not only do I react realistically but I also need to be fed daily

John: what food? Who needs that?

Villains: oh there's Matt we still need to kill him so let's go

Matt: Jonny boy come on don't you know I'm innocent?

John: hmmmmm

Matt: uuh wait baddies are after us again

MV: come on Johnny boy shoot your sidekick and I will give you many things

John: uh I'm straight

MV: I meant MONEY

John: well I would but I'm superbaldy so no;

Director: we haven't had a fight scene in ten minutes….lets do it.

Guns: *bang bang*

Other officers: we are dead now

Me: god I would hate to work for the FBI clearly I would be shot unless I'm a super bald man.

Matt: reacts realistically to danger…AKA he is scared like a normal person

Director: he's a sidekick people

John: SUPERBALDY!!!!

Cars: look how we crash and burn…often in slow motions

Audience: hmmm this is starting to remind us of every action film

Director: thought that might happen so we decided to pretend cars were planes and make them fly and take down helicopters

Me: wait a second that just can't happen and—

Director: shhhh

John: I just got nearly run over and jumped out of a moving car…and I'm good to go

Matt: uuum you're bleeding

John: IM SUPER HUMAN

Villains act villainous and Gov. People argue with each other

John: I can steal peoples cell phones and walk away no problem

Matt: uuum isn't that bad?

Me: so if I walk into a store and walk out with crap can I sat it's a federal emergency and leave with the stuff?

John: Oh Matty boy can you help me

Matt: you arrest me starve me tie me up….wait no sorry

John: please?

Villains: let's scare them and make a video of the Whitehouse blowing up.

Fake Whitehouse: BOOM

Director: look what I do to symbols of our country like presidents and the Whitehouse….teehee in my next movie I blow up the statue of liberty

John and gov people: GAH

John: oh never mind it's fake

Me: so the people in the Whitehouse who were watching TV…um what was happening with them?

Director: shhhh I am a genius

Audience: cool

Matt; I wanted to do a fire sale once

John: but I am patriotic and shut you up now

Matt: explains everything intelligently

John: amazed by the intelligence

Me: I will accept anything he says because I like him….but is that true?

John: so you ready to help me save the country

Matt: Ok uum I really don't like my life being endangered

John: I will get you more sex toys!

Matt: action figures!

John: whatever

Matt and John: *steal a car*

John: I'm FBI I can do anything I want

Matt: no wait the government can start your car!

Me: really?…only because I like you

Matt: so let's call this hotline I will pretend my dads having a heart attack and we need to drive to the hospital

Women from hotline: cool

John: I'm beginning to wonder what the director smoked while writing this

Me: but it was funny

Matt and John: true

Matt: fine let's go call the warlock

John: who?

Matt: my online friend

John: uuum*thinks dirty thought*

John: So how do feel about being a superhero sidekick?

Matt: but I'm actually normal and your crazy…and I don't like being shot at

John: shall we be angsty

Matt: Stare

John: angsty angst

Matt: Stare

John: still angsting

Matt: but you're 'that guy'

John: what?

Matt: it's the director's way of explaining why you are heroic without actually explaining anything

John: but I don't want to be a hero

Matt: typical

Villains: we are evil and we are going to take out the power of half the country now…but first girl must suck main villains face

Audience: so Matt was right again

Me: gotta love him…ooh and that bitch is gonna die…but the movies message is clearly that if you work for the government you will get shot

Villains: we do bad things….BAD things*squinty eyes*

John and Matt: We're here!

Matt: I don't think this is the seven eleven

John: oops…another place full of baddies well we can get our asses kicked instead of slurpies

Matt: fine…but dead people are grody…but if we are going to do this right we need to get to the fourth floor

John: why?

Matt: bad people are there

John: well in that case let's go!

John: look I can threaten an Asian chick and be funny!

Main villain girl: *kicks john's ass*

Me: laughs my ass off

John and MVG fight more

John: I think I'm going to show my intelligence and run you over with this handy SUV I found and drive us both into an elevator shaft

Me: uuuuuum…how is it hanging there?

Matt: lalala I love computers

John and MVG fight more and miraculous don't fall to there deaths.

Random Guy: Time to make my first appearance!!!

Matt: let me help the hero! whacks Random Guy into elevator shaft

Random Guy: damn it falls on top of car

Car: I really wanted to fall into the elevator shaft already this is getting ridiculous

Matt: John, John he's our man if he can't do it no one can!*grabs elevator cable right as car falls and explodes. So does Asian chick.*

Me: should I even bother?

Director it gets worse

Me: I told you that the bitch was gonna die

John: so your girls dead

MV: NO WAY!!!! I AM THE VILLIAN HERE YOU WILL PAY!!

John: do dee do I'm not listening

Gov. Person: his names Gabrielle he worked for the government we knew he was crazy and fired him

Me: finally halfway through the movie and I can stop typing main villain!

Matt: uuum the gas lines are being sent here

Me: why are they exploding….did someone throw a match in there?

Director: look fire wheeee!

John: let's hide in the car so we aren't blown to bits

Matt: yea I told you seven eleven would be better

*place explodes*

Matt: I'm sick and tired of you and your ways…you are the first person who I could call suicidally optimistic

John: please? It's a buddy movie which means your coming

Matt: &)))$!$&&((

John: wow

Matt: I know

Matt: so we need to call the warlock…

John: uuum this really isn't the time

Matt: he's a COMPUTER HACKER STUPID!!! Remember I'm the exposition and I'm always right so let's go!!!

John: so let's fly a helicopter there

Matt: uh…

John: weeeeeeeeeee

Matt: uh…John?

John: *crash lands helicopter*

Matt: stupid bald asshole

John: that's _super_ stupid bald asshole to you

Me: should I even bother?

Matt: here we are can we come in?

Warlock's mom: I hate you people and will eat you for dinner

Me: you can eat John

Warlock's mom: well…

Matt: he's bald…

Warlock's mom: fair enough

Warlock AKA Freddie: GO AWAY PEOPLE!

Matt: I love you

Freddie: I love star wars

Matt: me too!

John: is there a point to this?

Freddie: Star wars is life!

John: well I always liked Spock

Freddie: now I kill you

John: no I kill you! Its exposition time

Freddie: fine

Freddie: blablabla so Gabrielle is one of those crazy people who thinks he's a patriot for doing this

Me: it's always about patriotism isn't it?

Director: lets all do the pledge of allegiance?

Audience: No

Gabriel: I sense hackers in my system with my amazing physic abilities

Hacker dude: no I just told you—

Gabrielle: SILENCE! …psychic abilities…opens up a screen hmmm make note I will either kill John or have his man-babies

Audience: eh? Is that why you stare at him so much

Gabrielle: it could go either way. contemplates for a moment…moving on, John you should be dead

John: uh should I apologize? No I will be stupid and act full of myself…I will egg you on

Me: am I the only one who sees that every time the hero eggs on the villains they some how worsen the situation…why not save themselves the trouble?

Director: shush watch the drama unfold!*grabs bucket of popcorn*

Gabrielle: well since you insult my Asian ass kicking whore I'm gonna kidnap your daughter…she's stuck in an elevator right now see? *pulls up image onto Freddie's screen and picks up phone* hey girl I'm totally not evil and I'm gonna save you

Lucy: cool

John: hmmmm I should really rethink egging on the person who can make my life hell…but now I'm on a mission

Must. Get. Lucy

Matt: oooh pretty girl

Lucy: completely unaware that she is currently being ogled

John: I will now yell and try to get you to hear me but it will of course be in vain

Matt: still staring at pretty girl

John: I will now go and rescue my daughter who was stupid enough to get captured

Matt: but it's a buddy movie wait up

John: ok let's go.

Lucy: I will forever hate elevators because of this…

Villains: hey chicky?

Lucy: so are you good peoples?

Villains: why of course!

Lucy: cool

Matt: so I was thinking of shaving my head…

John: no

Matt: so having your daughter kidnapped sucks

John: Yea it does

Lucy: now struggling against villains… or not…get off you perv

Villain: nope not gonna

Lucy: *punches him in the face*

Gabrielle: I will bitch slap you for harming my henchmen *does so* but be a good girl please

Lucy: no way in hell, but I will kick your ass?

Gabrielle: not really into that right now sorry

Lucy: darn it

Gabrielle: and now its time to show how cold hearted we are

Hackers: crap we are all getting shot…and now we are dead

Me: retards should have seen that coming

Heroes: we're here!

Villains: We know

Matt: so how are we going to save the day?

John: no clue

Matt: peachy

Matt: I'm going to trip the alarm in the hopes that the Feds will attempt to be useful

John: but they haven't been for the entire movie…excluding me of course

Feds: so we are pretty much useless

More Feds: yes you are

Feds: and by the way Gabrielle can take away billions of our dollars

More Feds: crap

Feds: I know

Matt: hackerness lalala

Villain: I'm here so you need to be dead

John: Correction you must be dead

Matt: Gah! Bullets let me fall down this convenient hole so I will be out of danger

Me: but the way down hurts! Noooooooo! Mommy poor Matt!

Mom: we know its ok

Matt: John?

John: Matt?

Matt: John!

John: Matt!

Matt: look a way out! Let me kick away these bars.

Me: sparkly eyes aaw he's being kind of badass for once! So cute

Director: see he has started to become brave despite his hair

John: *suddenly distracted now runs off*

Me: uuuum…so he just leaves Matt not knowing if he's ok? Where the buddyness of that? What the hell

Director: I sense an action sequence on the horizon

Gabrielle: something's wrong here

Me: like your questionable sexual orientation?

Gabrielle: maybe but that's not it…bad guy go see what the problem is

Bad guy: K

Bad guy: look a bald man I think I should fight him

John: I win *picks up walky talky* lalalala I pwn all you people

Gabrielle: I hate you

Matt: look I am now a badass hacker and will foil the baddies attempts to steal the nations money

Bad guy: bitch please

Matt: but I was being brave

Bad guy: and now you're being captured

Matt: so my life sucks

Gabrielle: via walkie talkie so I can kill you daughter right now

John: but then the movie wouldn't be very good

Gabrielle: hmmm must try a new tact…I am actually not a bad guy

John: uuuuh so all of what we have been seeing is wrong?

Gabrielle: uuum new plan…Lucy make him listen

Lucy: hey dad there's pretty much 4 people left now

John: cool

Gabrielle: I hate you and I will eventually kill all of you very dead

Matt: hey I'm here now…but I'm still captured…

Gabrielle: I am beginning to think I may not succeed

Matt: really because the fact that your nemesis is bald was no indication?

Lucy: hey you sexy thing you

Matt: eh?

Lucy: nothing I didn't say anything except that my name is Lucy

Matt: I am Matt

Gabrielle: We are leaving now and you two are along for the ride

Director: and now with only a half an hour left I set up the romance aspect of the film

Me:…

Director: but now back to more fight scenes

Me: so what follows is another fight scene between a random guy and John and the most entertaining aspect is the fact that the guy is referred to as a hamster

Guy: and for a moment you think I have superhero tendencies despite my hair

John: the thought never crossed my mind

Matt: so um this might be bad and don't piss these people off and make them worse

Lucy: you're a man act like it

Matt: sounds like John…but you have hair…I feel confused now.

John: oh no they are leaving…*leaps onto moving car* but seriously people I'm really a perfectly normal person *takes out car driver and starts driving car* perfectly normal people

Me: and the car was moving this whole time…just…whatever

Gabrielle: *puts computer in front of Matt* fix it or die

Matt: hmmm Lucy told me to act like a man and I have been building up for my big brave moment…so no

Gabrielle: *punches Matt*

Me: HOW DARE YOU!!!

Mom: It's just a movie he's not real

Me: I DON'T CARE HE PUNCHED MATT HE WILL DIE!!!!!!!!

Matt: *looking teary eyed and adorable because he's acting brave but is actually scared like a realistic person would be* nope not gonna do it

Me: hold on a sec I need a moment to recover…and glomp Matt

Gabrielle: well violence was always my preferred method of encouragement

Matt: crap

Me: I bet John would tell him to shoot…

Other villain: uh problem here

Lucy: yay it's my daddy!

John: *via walkie talkie* hey Freddie I know we didn't get off on the right foot

Freddie: eh you know my super secret frequency?

John: never mind that I need to you to be a good hearted soul and help me save my daughter by patching me through to the Feds

Freddie: let me contemplate that…k

Director: but now that the character has gone out of character for possibly interesting reasons lets move on

John: Hey guys Gabriel's here and your not

Gov. Guy; working on it

John: good now if I die send in everyone and get my daughter out

Audience: but he's bald remember?

Me: they would send in everybody for one girl? Isn't that a little extreme?

Director: moving on again

Jet pilot: wee I have been sent here to keep an eye on things!

Me: whatever that means

Gabrielle: yay for hackerness picks up headset hey so pilot I'm not the bad guy the bald guy is

Pilot: really?

Gabrielle: yup

Pilot: ok

Director; and now its John vs. Jet plane

Gabrielle: ha

John: now we will forever prove my immortality

Me: so he's driving on a bridge that's collapsing and jumps out of the car before it explodes and land on the jet which crashes and also explodes and he's still alive

Director: but he's walking with a limp see?

Me: he shouldn't be moving at all

Director:…I like fire it's really pretty

Me:…

Gabrielle: we have arrived at our good old warehouse we will soon be leaving to an unknown place but first…oh Matty boy

Matt: nope not doing it

Gabrielle: *shoots Matt in the knee*

Me: *gasps in horror* that's it this bitch must DIE!!!!

Mom: uuum it's really ok

Me: never mind that. He will DIE!!!!!!!

Matt: and I react realistically to pain as well! OW SHIT THAT HURTS!!!

Gabrielle: Yea and I'm gonna shoot the girl in ten seconds so go

Matt: gah! The pressure

Me: it's ok Matt it will all be ok

John: I'm here and I'm bald let's go! Hey Lucy how's the weather? *gets shot by villain*

Lucy: Crap my dad who I only love again because he's saving my ass is gonna die

Matt: his hair must be growing back…

Me: so is Gabrielle dead yet?

John: Bald powers…failing

Gabrielle: haha your gonna die now

John: nope because I said my cheesy hero line

Gabrielle: really?

John: Yippikayae motherf*cker

Me: I really think yabba dabba doo motherf*cker is so much better

Fred Flintstone: as do I

John: My superbaldyness has returned and so I shoot the villain THROUGHT MY OWN SHOULDER! (Since he is standing right behind me this method is effective)

Gabrielle: and since I have been a rather bad villain this whole movie and am no match for his superhuman baldness I am dead with a single shot

Me:…no comment

Other bad guy: And here is my moment to shine and become the new Main Villain!

Matt: but I save the day! I kill you very dead!

Lucy: I find that strangely sexy but must first tend to my wounded padre

John: I think my hair must be growing back because I'm actually feeling pain right now.

Lucy: you're kind of dumb but this is a happy film so I love you despite your stupidity

John: works for me

Me: so the movies winding down now what's left?

Director: big shiny eyes another fight scene?

Me: NO!

Lucy: Matt appears to be in shock go talk to him

John; yea cool…walks over so you have become a man

Matt: should I shave my head?

John: not yet but I hear chicks dig scars

Matt: does Lucy?

John: no

Matt: crap

John: but you have become a man and are therefore 'That Guy'

Matt: well that's spiffy

John: yup

John: hello daughter

Lucy: did Matt say anything about me?

John: I hate my life

The End

**Ok so if you enjoyed that and would like to see other movies parodied let me know (but be patient with me because school takes up a lot of time) I will parody a movie as long as I have seen it…**

**so yea please R&R it brightens up my gloomy gloomy day**


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